"Look out, Dawin! The Finches are right behind you!"

Now that EA has transformed Dante’s Inferno from a poem about a tour through hell into an epic God of War style fight through the demons of Hell, the proverbial floodgates have opened and all of classical literature is up for the Extremification treatment. As anyone who has read any of my articles here at WingDamage can tell you, I have only a passing knowledge of the English language. Part of this ignorance is an utter disregard for classical literature. I think this makes me a perfect candidate to join EA in transforming classical literature into video games. Video game developer guys please send all royalties to WingDamage care of Shaolinjesus.

James Joyce – Ulysses: The story of Leopold Blooms’ journey through Dublin as he must fist fight with hundreds of gang members and ninjas. The final battle culminates in an epic duel against Molly Bloom who must be hit 4,391 times.

Henry David Thoreau – Walden: Something evil lurks in Walden Pond and only Detective Thoreau can stop it. This one plays a lot like a Silent Hill game only with a pond.

Plato – The Republic: Plato and Socrates must stop the villainous machinations of the Sophist Thrasymachus using Pankration. They team up with Alexander the Great and Hercules to stop the Sophists from taking over the Republic. Socrates has all kinds of hilarious one liners as he punches people in the face. Picture God of War with the Godfathers of Western Philosophy.

Darwin – Voyage of the Beagle: For young naturalist, Charles Darwin, it was to be the trip of a lifetime. Little did he know that the Finches of the Galapagos were waiting for him. With the powers of observation and his trusty Katana, Darwin must fight off the Finches, a ruthless band of pirates from the future. This one plays like Prince of Persia meets Uncharted meets biology. One of the unique game mechanics has to do with the way your weapons “evolve” as the game progresses.

Ayn Rand – Anthem: (In deep movie trailer voice) : In a world where individuality is forbidden, Equality 7-2521 has learned the concept of “I” and the World Council sends out an army of ninja robots to stop him. This one plays out as a 3rd person shooter with crazy sci-fi weaponry.

Herman Melville – Moby Dick: Ishmael knows only 2 things, sailing and killing. He is going to need both to defeat the great white whale that has teamed up with the Loch Ness monster, the Kraken, and a host of other sea monsters. This one plays a lot like the first person portions of King Kong. Also, Ishmael has a unique harpoon gun that he can use in a variety of ways, such as shooting people with it, then yanking them around.

Jane Austen – Pride and Prejudice: I haven’t actually read this one, but I assume that it is about a group of MMA fighting women who have to overcome prejudice to get the chance to compete in the tri-county MMA tournament. Also zombies.

Fyodor Dostoevsky – Crime and Punishment: A GTA style romp through St. Petersburg.

Jack Kerouac – On the Road: Sal and Dean are at it again… Cannonball Run style! Plays like a Burnout-style racer featuring huge jumps and hairpin turns as the 2 heroes have adventures across the country, running away from Boss Hog.

Henryk Adam Aleksander Pius Sienkiewicz – Quo Vadis: GTA style romp through Rome during Nero’s reign. Culminates in an epic street fight as Rome burns and Nero plays the fiddle.

Do you have any other ideas for books that would translate well to video games? Is it sad that I would totally play most of these with glee? That’s right, glee.