Not too long ago an interesting question was proposed. Who would take the individual offices of the state if video game characters ran the United States government?

The rules were simple. The nominees could not be characters that originated in other media, or people that existed in real life. Sorry Spongebob and Madden, perhaps you can form your own super team and take over Cuba. I hear that place is beautiful in the summertime.

Also, the nominees must fit their position of power. No nominating Cloud for president just because he is everyone’s favorite emo kid. So without further ado, I bring you your new heads of office.

President: Leon Kennedy

Leon has the determination, the drive, and a sweet haircut. Not to mention he also carries the Kennedy name so it is almost as if he were destined for the position. Although, now I have the feeling I just gave away the plot for Resident Evil 6. The only question is, he has survived hordes of zombies but can he survive the Kennedy curse?

Vice President: Luigi

What better position for the number one number two than that of vice president? He will be there to back the president up in any situation, and if the need be, save the president from a nefarious gang of ghosts.

Chief of Staff: Andrew Ryan

The Chief of Staff is often described as the second most powerful man in America, and Andrew Ryan’s political experience and expertise more than fulfills the requirements. His ability to manipulate those around him will definitely come in handy. We just have to make sure he does not try for an underwater dystopia.

Secretary of State: Samus Aran

How does Ms. Aran handle diplomacy? With a freeze beam and 200 rapid firing rockets. Not to mention, she is great for photo ops.

Secretary of Treasury: Wario

Wario is perhaps one of the greediest characters in video games. He is always coming up with new schemes to take the public’s money and hoard it like Tyra Banks on an ego trip. We have to pay back China somehow.

Secretary of Defense: Kratos

He is the god of war. How is this not the obvious choice? Hell, you do not even need an army. Just send Kratos into the battlefield and let nature take its course. We will have that “Mission accomplished” sign up in no time.

Attorney General: Phoenix Wright

Attorneys in video games are a rarity, and by rarity I mean there is only one series that features them. Therefore, I had to choose Phoenix Wright as the man for the job. Sure, there are other lawyers in the Phoenix Wright series but there is only one whose yelling can win the case. Besides, I hear Miles Edgeworth beats children.

Secretary of the Interior: Turok

Who better to handle Native American affairs than one that fights dinosaurs and the Civil War generals that ride them? Also, should the bear population ever become a problem he has the cerebral bore.

Secretary of Agriculture: The protagonist from Harvest Moon

A master of both farm and food, this guy will get the job done. We will just have to come up with a suitable name for him. I have a feeling people will get tired of referring to him as “the protagonist from Harvest Moon”. My suggestion, Ellsworth Purrington. Do not ask me why.

Secretary of Commerce: Wall Street Kid

I have no idea. This was Dave‘s’ idea. Ask him. I assume the “Kid” knows his way around money.

[So what if you youngsters have no memory of his game. The "Kid" was wheeling and dealing his way down Wall Street buying million dollar houses and yachts for his trophy wife, while Mario was busy collecting coins. –ed.]

Aren’t I only a few years younger than you, sir?

[Yeah but a few years in video game time is a long time. Four years can take you through almost an entire console generation. Also, it was long enough for you to have missed out on "Wall Street Kid", apparently.-ed.]

Yeah, I am pretty sure a five-year-old child would not have been able to understand finances. If I did I would be running Microsoft right about now. At the very least, one of our fine failing banks. Any who, moving on.

Secretary of Labor: Abe

Abe refused to allow he and his people to be turned into the next version of soylent green at the fine place of employment/enslavement known as Walmart Rupture Farms. I have little doubt that he could accomplish the very same feat nationwide. At the very least he would amuse us by farting on some CEO’s.

Secretary of Transportation: Sonic

Sonic, fast but unreliable. Yet, still an improvement.

Secretary of Energy: Pikachu

I will be honest. Pikachu would not have the knowledge to manage the nation’s energy reserves. Hell, all he can say is “Pikachu”. I say we just attach him and a bunch of his friends to a machine and force them to power the country. It will be easy. All we have to do is convince them that if they do not do as we say we will kill Ash. Of course, the role of Ash will be played by Kanye West.  That way if Pikachu still refuses we will have at least rid the planet of a giant douche.

Secretary of Education: Carmen Sandiego

If this is any indication of the effectiveness of our public education system then we could clearly use a figure who knows her way around the world.

Secretary of Homeland Security: Solid Snake

Snake has saved the country from giant mechs and nuclear holocaust numerous times. I am confident he can continue that trend in a political office.

Surgeon General: Faust

To hell with Dr. Mario. His answer to everything is to shove more pills down the throat. Faust is a much better physician. Never mind the fact that he will brutally murder your children. He still has that much needed medical know-how.

Press Secretary: Professor Layton

“Sure, I can answer your question, but first solve this puzzle.”

There you have it. These fine folks are the ones that will lead us into the next generation. Well, if they were real that is (I am working on that.) I realize I am missing a few of the cabinet positions, but who really cares about the secretary of veterans’ affairs other than Eric Shinseki?

Feel free to leave your nominations in the comment section below. However, if any of you say Master Chief, prepare yourself for the glaring of a lifetime. Many thanks to Dave for his input in this article.

Do you guys remember Captain Caveman?

On a very special thirty-first episode of “Barrel Roll! A Video Game Podcast”, Wes asks that thought provoking question. Sadly, we are too busy talking about PAX Pox, our first PAX giveaway, and random gaming nonsense to pay it much attention.

None of us have been playing as much this week compared to normal, but Jesse did find time to start his play-through of the excellent 2D action/RPG: Muramasa, Wes has been obsessing over his iPhone games, and Jonah… well let’s just say his band of Hobbits is just getting off the ground.

We also see the return of “Let’s Play Together”, our segment that focuses on multiplayer games. Jesse and Jonah played co-op through the newly released Contra: ReBirth and give their thoughts on what it takes to be a manly Contra man.

In the news we discuss NIS’s decision to release discounted version of their PSP games on the Playstation Network (for a limited time), the possibility of a new HD 2D Sonic the Hedgehog game actually being good, and a whole lot more. There is even a brief Mega Man News Roundup.

We also take a little bit of time to reminisce about our favorite console, The Dreamcast, in honor of our big Dreamcast retrospective day.

All this an a whole lot more on the latest episode.

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Outro Music – “Fortuna (Star Fox)” by The OneUps

2D, HD Sonic
Reading Rainbow
Metroid Metal

"...and it only took me 5 years!"

Aside from being a writer here at Wing Damage, I like to spend my time making electronica music (hosted at MainFinger.com) in my home studio. As I’ve mentioned in the past couple podcasts, I have been very hard at work, both finishing up my new album and building a completely new site. I’ve finally launched the site with the new album on it, available for download and streamable, absolutely free! I do, however, accept donations via PayPal if you feel so inclined. The donation button is located on the sidebar of my site.

In case you’re wondering how this relates to Wing Damage, a majority of the songs on the album are videogame remixes. The tracks range from well known series’ such as Zelda, Metroid and Sonic the Hedgehog to lesser known titles like Section Z. Each track differs greatly in style so there’s a lot of variety to enjoy.

Mode7 has, by far, shown the largest improvement for me in quality between albums. This album is 5 years in the making. It was slowed down by being mixed mostly on a computer that was almost a decade out of date.

During that time, I’ve read up on Sound Engineering. This has greatly increased the clarity of my mixes. On top of that, I’ve acquired a lot of new software and hardware since the last album. This allowed me to include fairly believable orchestral sounds, 8bit sounds, and more powerful drum tracks than ever before. I’ve taken this album much more seriously than any album before it. Click on the links below to download individual songs, click here to download the whole album in a zip file, or visit MainFinger.com to stream them right in your browser.

01. Unpleasant Noise (A James Brown Tribute) [3.33meg - 2:38] This song is made using a sample from Godzilla vs. Monster Zero and samples from as many different James Brown songs as I could cram together. I’ve been wanting to use that Godzilla clip for a long time and finally got around to it. I’m a huge fan of James Brown’s music and wanted to pay my respects in song.

02. Carnival Cave (originally from Sonic the Hedgehog 2) [4.64meg 3:11] The Mystic Cave Zone is quite possibly my favorite song from the entire Sonic series. I’ve attempted to remix it several times and failed. Finally, I was able to make a remix of it I was truly happy with it. You might notice a certain homage to a famous song in the solo.

03. Doomsday Village (originally from American McGee’s Alice) [3.31meg 2:37] The soundtrack to American McGee’s Alice is largely ambient. Village of the Doomed was definitely the standout track for me. Even before the album’s release, this song started to get a bit of a cult following.

04. Relaxin’ in Hyrule (originally from Zelda 2: The Adventures of Link) [2.99meg 2:25] This song contains a guitar sample of Mountain Con’s “I Woke Up and the Morning was Grey”. In fact, when I listened to that song, I immediately thought of the House music from Zelda 2. Right then, I knew I wanted to make a remix of it using the sample. Though the song starts with vibraphones, it evolves into Chip Hop midway through.

05. Passion (Punch Drunk Mix) (originally from Kingdom Hearts 2) [8.78meg 6:34] I got the soundtrack to Kingdom Hearts 2 before the game came to the states. In fact, the original version of my remix came out long before the game released here. It’s a trance mix of the opening/ending theme. The American version is labeled Sanctuary, but since the Japanese version that I remixed is labeled as Passion, I went with that name instead.

06. Don Your Armor, Armadillo (originally from Mega Man X) [4.57meg 2:49] This song starts with a triumphant orchestral intro leading into a fast-paced drum ‘n bass frenzy. I actually ripped the SPC guitar from the original SNES audio, layered it with effects, and used it to make both solos featured in the song.

07. Beware of the Stalker (originally from Castlevania & Castlevania 3: Dracula’s Curse) [5.90meg 4:06] This is actually a combination of many different Castlevania songs. The most dominant are Stalker (hence the name) and Evergreen. At many points, riffs of different songs from the series are overlapped to create some interesting combinations.

08. Dentists Unite [3.33meg 3:10] There is an interesting story behind this song. I am a web developer by trade and many of the sites I’ve worked on have been for cosmetic dentists. A lot of these sites have background music. What I did here is took several of these dental website loops, sliced them up together, and added my own instruments on top of it all.

09. Enter the Shrine (originally by The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening) [3.37meg 2:30] Even using the GameBoy’s crude sound chip, the Face Shrine in Link’s Awakening had a tune that gave me the creeps. It was eerie, but addicting. My remix is much faster than the original, reducing a bit of the creepy factor, but giving it my own unique take on it.

10. A Timeline Eliminated (originally from Chrono Cross & Chrono Trigger) [4.18meg 3:03] Interestingly enough, this remix started out double the speed it is now. Part way through writing it, I went to half speed for some reason and liked the way it sounded much better. This is a combination of The Dead Sea and Sealed Door with a little bit of Schala mixed in. I’m happy with how well all 3 of these songs meld together into one. I don’t believe it even feels like a medley, though technically it is.

11. Balance of Power (originally from Metroid Prime 2 & Metroid) [3.99meg 3:04] The rhythm distortion in this song is actually my keytar ran through a distortion pedal with some effects layered onto it. This made for a rather interesting sound. It combines the intro tracks from both Prime 2 and the original Metroid.

12. Shootin’ Both Ways (originally from Section Z) [4.29meg 3:01] The stage music from Section Z has been a favorite of mine since childhood. This started out as an original song until Geoffio pointed out the disturbing similarity to Section Z in what I had written so far. Rather than get disheartened at the work of my subconscious, I decided to go along with it and evolve it into a full blown Section Z remix.

13. Doomsday Village (Thin Sliced Mix) (originally from American McGee’s Alice) [3.23meg 2:36] Because of the popularity of the preview version of my original Doomsday Village, I was reluctant to change it too much when revising all of the tracks. I had ideas I wanted to try, but didn’t want to upset the people who had already become so attached to the original. My solution was to create an alternate remix. This way, I would be free to make as many changes as I wanted, no matter how radical. This version is full of hip hop beats and lots of slicing.

14. Requiem of Lost Beats [4.55meg 2:57] When I first purchased Miroslav Philharmonik (my orchestral VST of choice), I felt the need to make an original song that used it heavily. It’s a mix of heavy beats, synth arpegios, and digital orchestral performances done via my MIDI keyboard.

15. The Brink of Time [1.70meg 1:33] This is a bonus track only available on physical copies of the album. This was the first thing I did to test out my new orchestral plugin. It’s a fully orchestrated rendition of The Brink of Time from Chrono Trigger. All of the tracks (with the exception of a few minimilistic ones) were played by me on my MIDI keyboard. In fact, several of the instruments were played simultaneously and simply assigned to different hands. I chose to do this song since I already knew how to play it on piano by memory.

"What have I become?"

In a very special fifth episode of “Barrel Roll! A Video Game Podcast”, we discuss the abomination that is “Sonic Unleashed”. Jesse shares his thoughts on “Gradius Rebirth”, while Jonah has been playing “Johnny Platform’s Biscuit Romp”. Luke tells us all about violence the game… I mean “Mad World” for the Wii.

In the news, we talk about the upcoming Chrono Cross Arrange Album coming out for the games 10th anniversary, and we even play a clip in the break. There is more Fable 2 DLC on the way? Good times! Also Bioshock 2 and more.

In “Let’s Talk About Stuff”, the worst named podcast segment ever invented, Luke is not happy about the upcoming “Resident Evil 5″ DLC, and in Bargain Bin, Jonah talks about why “Dark Sector” was not worth the $5 he paid for it.

All this and more on this exciting episode of “Barrel Roll!”

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On a very special episode of “Barrel Roll!”, we discuss R-Type Dimensions, the Resident Evil 5 demo, Phantasy Star Portable, Sonic’s Ultimate Genesis Collection, Crackdown and Battalion Wars 2 in our “what we’ve been playing” section.

After the break we get into the news, where we ponder why the upcoming Saga 2 remake is actually being looked forward to, and that The Old Republic MMO is starting to look decent. We also discuss the most popular topic of the week from the Wing Damage blog.

Join us, won’t you?

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