The first thing that you notice when Conker walks into a room is the smell. It like wet dog and stale beer. This is a video game icon and, let’s face it, the guy stinks. He slides up casually to sit across from me at the pub where we are conducting our interview. It is a rule in England that all interviews have to be conducted at the local watering hole.

He lights up a cigarette and offers me one. His eyes have that feral look you sometimes see in animals on those world’s wildest home video shows. They are bloodshot and wild reflecting back more light than a human’s eye. The entire effect is disturbing. He motions a waitress over and orders himself a bottle of whiskey. He calls her <redacted>. She doesn’t seem to mind. Conker is a regular from what I hear, so I guess she’s used to it.

He begins pouring himself shots of whiskey.

I pull out my notepad and the interview begins.

Why don’t you start by telling our readers a little bit about what you have been up to for the past few years?

I have got a few projects kickin’ around. I have been touring with my band for a little while now.

(He begins punctuating each word with an air stab of his lit cigarette.)

You know this <redacted> industry is just trying to hold me back. Those guys at Rare are sitting on a pile of money. I should have starred in that stupid Pinata game. Don’t they know who I am? Do you know how many people would pay good money to see me punch a pinata in the face?

It seems with all of your success that you are still not satisfied.

You know the day you become satisfied is the day that you become complacent. If you are not putting yourself out there and constantly trying to improve then you’re just a <redacted>. You don’t want to be a <redacted>, do ya mate?

Are you suggesting that you would be up for another adventure?

You can only do so many remakes before its time for something new. There is only so many times you can fight the opera singing poop monster before its time to move on.

I mean think about this; they brought back Banjo.

Banjo.

Who ever gave a bloomin’ <redacted> about Banjo Kazooie? I have taken dumps with more talent than Banjo.

(He starts with the cigarette air stabs again.)

I should be talkin’ to my agent instead of chattin’ it up with you!

It seems like you have changed a lot over the years.  Can you talk about the split with Diddy Kong?

Well, you know as people get older they start to develop in different directions. He became a pansy little <redacted>.  I wanted to go out and meet women. All he wanted to do was to eat bloody bananas. I mean how many bananas do you really need? Talk about a substance abuse problem.

(He takes a drag off his cigarette and pours another shot of whiskey).

So what is next for Conker?

Well I have been trying to talk to the guys over at Team Ninja about getting into the next Dead or Alive game. Have you seen those girls? I’d like to take that Kasumi out back and <redacted>.

Tecmo threatened to call the bobbies on me if I didn’t <redacted> off.

Any plans to resume your political career?

You know when you’ve been a king… I mean where do you go from there?

Looking back is there anything you would change about your career?

Well when I came into this industry I was just a kid. I was 21 when we made Bad Fur Day. I am almost 30 now. I don’t know if I would have changed anything so much as I would have tried to take the time to enjoy my success.

When you are young and successful you think it is always going to be like this. You think you are always going to be on top. And then they sell your company and your left watching as less talented people get opportunities. God I hate Banjo. Make sure you print that.

I hate Banjo Kazooie.

What is it you want out of life?

Well I’ve been around the block a few times now. And I don’t think there is anything better than a nice pair of <redacted>. You can have all the money in the world mate just give me a <redacted> of <redacted> so I can <redacted>.

You know what I mean? Otherwise what’s the point?

Anything else you would like to tell our readers?

Yeah Banjo Kazooie sucks. And don’t ever loan money to  Mario. That <redacated> still owes me $50 from that night in Tijuana.

Tags: Conker, humor, Interview, Rare

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